Signs of Wounded Feminine Energy in a Woman

I have observed that there are two ways that our feminine energy commonly becomes distorted or out of balance due to feminine wounding. I am calling these two archetypes The Cinderella and The Wonder Woman. Perhaps you will be able to relate to one or both of these, as we often can experience both.

As women we have historically faced repression, persecution and exploitation for our feminine ways. It has not always been safe to exist as a feminine being. As a result, women have had to adapt in order to survive. There are two general adaptations that I have observed, and both of them involve strategies to control our environments in an attempt to protect ourselves or get our needs met.

When we don’t feel that anyone is going to support or protect us, one way we respond to this is to put on armor and attempt to protect ourselves and do everything on our own. It doesn’t feel safe to be soft and vulnerable, and so we learn to be strong and powerful. We build a fortress, put up a shield and learn to overtly control our environment, including other people. This is feminine armoring or the masculinization of the feminine.

This often becomes such a habit, that we forget we’re wearing that armor, and this becomes part of our identity. We forget how to relinquish control or ask for help. It does not feel safe to trust or depend on others, and so we believe that we must do everything ourselves and be as self sufficient and resilient as possible. And our modern culture often encourages and celebrates us for doing so.

Our pain and fear often turns into anger, distrust, judgment and resentment. No one is coming to save us, and so we must save ourselves. We take pride in our accomplishments and independence, attempting to build protective structures in our lives such as bank accounts and successful careers, thinking this will keep us safe and lead to respect and fulfillment. We usually take on too much responsibility, and end up feeling exhausted, burned out and unsupported.

We may have a sense of self worth and even entitlement, but it is coming from a masculine value system. At the root of our masculine facade is the belief that our feminine essence is weak, and we are terrified of being hurt. So we reject and repress our own feminine.

We become critical, controlling and dominating and end up pushing away those who would want to help and protect us. Instead, we attract people who want our protection and to lean on our strength, including passive or emasculated men who have disowned their own masculine leadership and in relationship are looking for a roommate or a mother figure.

This is of course the Wonder Woman Archetype (aka Boss Babe).

When we don’t feel that it is possible to rescue ourselves, or we don’t believe we are worthy of protection, we can feel like the only way to survive is to please others and not cause a fuss. Our only option feels like staying out of the way, forgetting our needs and focusing on other people’s needs.

We have adopted the belief that people will like us and we will stay safe if we make ourselves invisible and useful to others. So we become disconnected from ourselves, and from our needs, wants and feelings. We can become overgivers, caretakers and doormats, believing on some level that we are not worthy of good things in life.

We may experience depression, anxiety, or feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness. We may still appear to have feminine traits such as softness, sensitivity and compassion, but we are not grounded in our self worth and we are often stuck in patterns of compliance while suppressing our true needs and feelings.

On the surface this can seem feminine, but it is only a mask or costume because it is actually a pattern of people pleasing and covertly controlling our environment. This is feminine fawning, which is a softer way of exerting control.

We abandon ourselves and do what other people want out of our fear that others will abandon, judge or reject us. We minimize our needs and pretend to be low maintenance and unaffected, believing that our true feminine instincts are too needy and repulsive. We are disconnected from our dreams because we feel unworthy and they seem out of reach.

We often attract people who want to exploit and control us including abusive or selfish men who have disconnected from their masculine instinct to cherish and protect.

This is the Cinderella Archetype (aka Cool Girl).

At the heart of both of these distortions is the belief that we are not inherently valuable as feminine beings, and that we must maintain control and do something to prove our worthiness.

The true feminine is not valuable because of what she does. She is inherently valuable because of who she is, and there is nothing she has to do to prove her worthiness.

I have written more about the topic of feminine value here.